SUCCESSFUL
Marital Relationships
= Making them
Life Partnerships =
POST 8 DATED 19 04 2011
In Post.7 and earlier, we saw a few basic differences between men and women.
Ø Logic plays greater part in the lives of men and emotion plays lesser part.
Ø This implies that men will be more ambitious, have more worldly goals and run after worldly successes – but have lesser capability to enjoy any success, and lesser capability to enjoy many, many beautiful aspects of life.
Ø Emotion plays greater part in the lives of women and logic plays lesser part.
Ø This implies that women would get emotionally involved in many aspects of life and are capable of enjoying even their smallest successes and the small, beautiful things of their lives. But, at the same time, they pay lesser attention to safety, security and success.
Ø This is true for the average man and average woman.
Ø There are of course, some men, who are more emotional than women and there are some women who are more logical than men – but, in both cases, the other aspect comes down by the same proportion in their life.
Ø A more logical woman is less capable of enjoying her life (much like men) and a more emotional man frequently gets into trouble (much more than women).
Ø The Goal of Human life, for both men and women, is JOY - which is an emotion – which implies that woman is generally more capable of enjoying life.
Ø If this Joy can be secured in a safe, logical way – life will be a heaven. Else, life gets into unending troubles.
Ø The need for a wholesome combination of EMOTION + LOGIC in every one’s life brings man and woman automatically together and nearer.
Ø Marital life requires both love and liking.
Ø Love, which springs 100% from the heart, makes marital relationship the most intimate and enjoyable relationship but is blind almost totally to reason; but, Liking, which springs 50% from the heart, and 50% from the intellect, makes it the most enduring and mutually beneficial and safe relationship.
Ø Be a Good complement to your marital partner – and not a competitor. Merge the You and I in your marital relationship into we, with a new, combined Individuality! You must sink your separate individuality. This is the unbreakable law in marital relationship.
Ø Never seek Perfection in your Partner. Your partner becomes perfect for you, and so will you for your partner, only when and if you become each other’s complement. Otherwise, there is no perfect partner in the world.
Ø Be a loving, lovable, liking and likeable partner to your marital partner. Understand your and your partner’s emotional and logical mental make-up. Let your partner also understand you – and both must be willing to complement each other.
Ø Love expressed – multiplies. Love not expressed, remains a seed; and finally dies. Therefore, express your love at each moment of opportunity.
Ø Words are the principal and most frequent means of expression.
Words :
Ø Words can please; But, words can also hurt.
Ø Pleasing words are easily and quickly forgotten. Hurting words are remembered for long; some times, forever.
Ø Men and women differ significantly in using words in their expression and in assimilating what they receive from others.
Ø Women have greater powers of expression and remembrance in respect of words.
Ø Women tend to forget all of her own hurting words (so does man) – but remembers all hurting words of her partner with graphic details. It is of course not a boon. She suffers more, when she remembers all hurting words again and again.
Ø Man’s powers of remembrance and expression in words are both inferior to woman. His mind is more futuristic and there is no event in the future to recall! It is his weakness superficially which makes him lose most wordy duels with the woman, but it can be his strength and the strength for both the marital partners.
Ø Both men and women love to listen to praise and appreciation, especially from their marital partner, but, with some qualitative differences.
Ø But, both are some what deficient in giving what each other needs – until they learn and actually practice the art.
HOW CAN MAN AND WOMAN
MAKE THEIR RESPECTIVE,
SUPERFICIAL WEAKNESSES
INTO GREAT STRENGTHS?
This is the billion dollar question, answering which can lead people to a happy, marital life.
The answer is very simple, and springs from absolute common sense. Actually, this answer has a four part closely related question – answer string.
Ø What do you want to forget? Unpleasant incidents. Right! But, you remember these more acutely, vividly and more often, without any effort at all!
Ø What do you want to remember? Pleasant Incidents. But, you don’t remember them at all. You forget them so easily.
Ø What must you express to your life partner, in words or, other means of expression.
Ø What must you avoid expressing to your life Partner?
I am sure, you are now able to answer these 4 questions very easily:
Ø Forget all hurting, negative and abusive words & Incidents of the past.
Ø Remember only pleasant words and incidents.
Ø Express / Create loving and pleasing words & Incidents now.
Ø Avoid expressing hurting words & creating negative incidents.
Are these not simple, straight forward, self evident rules for life partnership. But, how to remember only pleasant words and forget all hurting words?
The problem with hurting words is – remembering them is an automated process, more especially, in women, and to a lesser extent, in men too. We must stop this automated process. How to do that?
In Patanjali Yoga sutras, there is as beautiful method mentioned for such purposes. Patanjali says, for stopping any negative emotion, raise its opposite emotion POWERFULLY, in you. But, Patanjali says one word as answer, and leaves us there.
It is called in Sanskrit, Pratipaksha Bhavana.
It is based on another law of the mind. Mind can only accommodate one emotion at a time and cannot accommodate its negative with in it. For instance-
You can be either pleasant or unpleasant.
You can be either joyful or sorrowful.
You can be either friendly or inimical.
You can either love or hate… and so on.
All this means, that on a daily basis, you must make it a conscious habit to do 2 things
1. Express a few pleasant words and create some pleasant events today.
2. Remind (each other) of some pleasant event of the Past, to remember.
Everybody now knows the power of positive thinking! Many experts have dinned into our ears of its magical effect. But, this is not merely what we create in our own lives. This is what we must create in EACH OTHER’S LIVES, consciously, periodically and lovingly.
You must make it a conscious, daily habit.
Your mind is terribly habit bound, and currently, it is habituated to remember unpleasant events and words more, and more easily.
Just look at the blogs / web sites of a few women!! You will find many instances like, my husband abused me today; my husband slapped me to day and so on. And, they will naturally go on remembering it for life! Or, somebody around will remind them too, may be, after two decades. Many of them are actually, happily married women!
As, if writing them down in their mind computer is not in itself enough of a curse! They are recording in diaries, computers, blogs and so on.
It is not deliberate; but it is more of a biological instinct. Some of these are enough to book a most loving husband for a life sentence in prison.
So – how do we avoid it? First, become conscious – that this is not the thing you want to remember.
Now, raise the Pratipaksha Bhavana.
Fill the pages of your mind, your diary, your blog, your conversations with friends and relatives – with pleasant events and pleasant words which happened between you and your life partner. Talk a few pleasant words daily. Create a few pleasant incidents frequently.
Take a secret vow once in 3 days, that – this day, I am going to please my life Partner, come what may, and I am not going to be angry with him / her for any reasons what so ever.
The more you consciously do this, the more your mind (unconsciously) throws all the unpleasant words and events into its scrap bin to destroy.
I am now consciously using the term Life Partner now, in place of the term marital partner – because, once you do all this, your marriage is for ever; for life;
So – let us write three “First Things First” for each day of our life.
1. Today, I am going to consciously create a pleasant, happy event (through words or actions) between me and my life partner.
2. Today, I am going to share at least one past pleasant event between me and my life Partner.
3. Today, I am not going to anger or be angry with, my life partner, for any reason on earth, what so ever.
This is just for today. It takes five to ten minutes each day but makes the whole day, a happy day. Simple – isn’t it? Remember this – and we will carve out a more detailed plan in the next Post.
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