THREE CHALLENGES
TO MEET-
For Successful,
LIFE LONG,
Marital Relationship
POST.1 SUMMARY :
Marital relationship is the most important of all relationships – for several strong reasons :
This relationship, between a Husband and Wife, has the scope to run for the “Longest period” and, for the “most precious period” of one’s life. It is the most intimate relationship of one’s life. It has the scope to give each Partner, the maximum joy of one’s life – if both partners are determined to make the marital life a success. It is the basis,or, the very source, for most other relationships in life. It is sanctioned by all religions and cultures. Religion brings men and women together through socially approved marital relationships. It is a biological necessity – and Nature itself gives its best try to keep a couple together. Be thou, to the other,
What thou want the other to be to you
This is the first and the foremost requirement of a successful marital relationship. If you are not that – there is no way that you can expect the other person to be that towards you.
Most of the strain in human relationships today is due to the non-adherence to this Iron Law of Human Relationships, by one or the other of the parties to the relationship, or, by both.
We saw that Divorce rates are very high in many western countries and are increasing still. The divorce rates in Eastern countries like India are also increasing gradually.
The reasons usually identified for Divorce are :
• Financial Freedom (for women)
• Increased acceptance by family ( of the Divorced Woman)
• Life in metro cities (No one cares what you are doing)
• Deterioration of moral values
• Stressful modern life
• Transition of gender roles and professional rivalry
And probably many others, some of which we don’t talk of usually.
In today’s social environment, each party has to contribute his or her share of total sincerity and devotion, or else, the marriage ends in failure, and divorce.
POST.2. SUMMARY :
we analyzed some famous quotes on marriage and divorce.
Not understanding each other; unwilling to make permanent commitment to marriage; Perverted morals, vicious habits; and so many such factors are identified as contributing to Divorce – by great thinkers and writers.
So - Understand yourself first. Understand your marital partner. Be considerate. Be accommodative to each others’ small weaknesses.
No one is made perfect. When looking at your partner’s weaknesses, remember this :You are probably no more perfect than your partner.
Now – it is time to move on further, in Post.3.
With all the present pressures, stresses and fissures in married life - even now, majority of people do want to marry. It’s biological importance has not diminished. There is a natural urge to marry. But, people no more understand how to make their marriage last and remain harmonious. People suffer a lot in their pre-divorce life and post-divorce life, both.
Yet, they go again in the same path - for divorce after divorce. It is becoming a hobby.
If a person is married and divorced once, it may be the other person’s mistake. But, if a person is married and divorced thrice, or more, it is definitely not the other party’s mistake only. One should examine one self – if this is happening.
This person must understand life better – before he or she proceeds further in his / her hobby. Instead, many such persons are turning counselors for others.
In my hundreds of workshops on Life skills – one constant agenda was called “the three Challenges” or 3 Cs.
A successful marital relationship (or any other relationship) depends on successfully meeting these 3 Cs. The 3 challenges are as below :
1. Can you like your self, at least substantially, if not fully?
2. Can you like your partner, at least substantially, if not fully?
3. Can you make your partner to like you, at least substantially, if not fully?
Simple Challenges. Aren’t they? Readers must be able to see –that who ever can successfully meet these 3 Cs – is automatically successful in marital life. For that matter – these 3 Cs are the mantra for all relationships.
I am now placing before the world these 3 Cs. Judge yourself.
Let us take the first Challenge.
Challenge.1
Can you like yourself
at least substantially, if not fully?
At first thinking, it may appear very obvious. Yes. I do like myself. Why not?
This challenge is not that simple. It is not a blind love of the self, for no reason. We want to know – why on earth, you like yourself? If you like your neighbor, it is for a good reason. If you like a leader, it is for a good reason. If you like one person as a friend, it is for a good reason. Liking is always - for a good reason.
After a liking happens for a good reason – it may turn unconditional later. We are not at that stage, yet.
So, you must like yourself – for a good, rational, socially acceptable reason. This means, many others may have commended those qualities in you and liked those qualities in you earlier. Let us slightly rephrase the first Challenge.
Do you like yourself substantially, right now? If so, why?
List out the reasons; the specific qualities for which you like yourself.
Now, think of - how many people like you right now, for these specific qualities in you. You might say- if we are going so much in depth, no one can really love any other. Yes. That’s what is happening. Today, two people say to each other “I love you – I love you.” They marry. Tomorrow, they come back and say, “I don’t love you – I don’t love you.” They divorce.
In retrospect, we can see that they never really loved each other. This was the love every animal feels for the opposite sex. Nothing more exists to bind them on a long term basis. On the other hand, many things exist – to separate them, but they did not know them. The seed for separation was present on the day they first said – I love you – to each other.
Therefore, please do tell us – what qualities make you likeable for yourself. These must be the same qualities, for which, you like any one else or others like you.
Which persons on the face of earth have told you so far, that you are likeable for this, this, this quality in you and therefore, they all like you so much? Has anybody said that?
If no one has said that – why (and how) are you assuming that you are a lovable person at all?
Please don’t tell me that there are no such questions in love. All these questions definitely do arise in divorce. Most marriages end in failure when you can’t answer these 3 Cs satisfactorily. If you don’t have any good reasons for liking your self, how can you assume that your partner-to-be is right in loving you at all or that he / she has good reasons to love you?
Therefore, the success or failure of your marriage depends on answering these 3 Cs satisfactorily.
I know, most people don’t have a good answer. Most people are JUST NOT LOVABLE, for their existing qualities; as they presently are; though, they may be lovable for their biological attraction. But, biological attraction lasts just that long, as that between any two animals on earth. Thereafter, it is love that sustains the relationship.
Let us examine this 1st C from another angle. For the moment, let us forget your marital relationship. What is your record with your other relationships?
Do your parents, your brothers, your sisters and others (friends) really love you a lot?
Be sure, that you are not just a pastime for them on face book and twitter!
Many people are! Tomorrow, if you are not there on Face Book or twitter, most people will not bother much – unless they really like you a lot; or, in other words, unless you are really likeable a lot!
If a good number of them love you a lot – there are enough qualities in you to like yourself substantially.
Do you love them and reciprocate their love, their liking and their friendship a lot? Love begets love. Friendship begets friendship. Pastime begets Pastime. Now – what is your tally?
Please do search your own conscience and search other people’s hearts - why on earth, anybody should be genuinely liking you, and find good reasons for liking you.
If there are no reasons why others should like you – please understand that there are no reasons why you should like your self as well. This means, that you must make efforts to become likeable and develop likeable qualities in you.
So – you must pass the first C – if you are to be a success in your marital relationship.
Any time – you can give 5 good reasons for other good people to be liking you and cite about 5 good people actually liking you for these good reasons, believe me – your marital relationship has the potential to last a hundred years; a full life time.
But, to make it actually last your whole life time, you must also pass the other 2 challenges.
That, we will see in the next Post!
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