SUCCESSFUL
Marital Relationships
THREE CHALLENGES
TO MEET
SUMMARY SO FAR
Marital relationship is biologically inspired; it is the most intimate of relationships; and has the potential to give us the maximum Joy in life.
Be to the other, what You want the other, to be to you.
This is the Iron Law of Human Relationships.
We saw that - a successful marital relationship (or any other relationship) depends on each partner to the relationship, successfully meeting 3 challenges listed below :
1. Can you like your self substantially, if not fully?
2. Can you like your partner, substantially, if not fully?
3. Can you make your partner to like you, substantially, if not fully?
CHALLENGE #1
Can you like yourself?
Ø You must like your self, for good, valid, sufficient and evident reasons – for which you like anybody else. Not just because, you have to like your self.
Ø List out (i) five valid, socially acceptable reasons on – why you like your self ; (ii) 5 valid reasons why some people tend to dislike you (iii) List out a few people who like you with reasons and a few who dislike you, with reasons.
Ø Any time – you can give 5 good, valid reasons for other good people to be liking you and cite about 5 good people actually liking you for these good reasons, believe me – your marital relationship has the potential to last a full life time of joy. But, you need also to work on eliminating those reasons for which people tend to dislike you.
CHALLENGE#2
Do You Like Your Partner Substantially?
Ø LOVE springs from Heart – and can be without any valid reasons. Love can, in fact, be blind to all reasons.
Ø LIKING emanates 50% from Intellect and 50% from the heart. It needs strong reasons to back it up.
Ø For marital success, Love and Liking are both Essential. This implies that – where LIKING is present, nurture LOVE; and where LOVE is present, nurture LIKING.
Ø Your marital partner, and you, both being human, will have some black spots and blind spots. There is No perfect man or woman on this Planet. Keep that understanding and seek mature relationship.
LOGIC vs EMOTION :
An average man’s life is governed 60% by Logic (Intellect) and 40% by Emotion. An average woman’s life is governed 60% by Emotion and 40% by Logic. Both are complements of each other.
Human life needs 100 percent logic – of which man can supply 60% and woman can supply 40%. Human life also needs 100% happiness too – of which man can supply 40% and woman can supply 60%.
Compared to man, woman can remember more details of past events, distinguish many colours and use greater verbal, facial and physical methods to communicate.
The greater Logicality in man’s brain and the greater emotionality in the woman’s brain are complimentary to each other.
Man needs woman to derive greater happiness in life and Woman needs man to steer clear of trouble arising out of her own emotionality.
In other words, the man and woman must stick together – to enjoy life fully and safely. This is providence. This is Nature.
We saw up to this regarding the differences between man and woman. These are not differences. These are the complimentary nature of man vs woman. We will move further to understand man and woman and what makes them come together and go apart:
Emotionality – is mostly related to Past and woman is more past-oriented. Logicality is mostly related to Future and man is more future oriented. More – but not totally.
Man is – (i) physically stronger (ii) logically stronger (iii) emotionally less capable and (iv) more future oriented.
Woman is (i) physically more attractive (ii) logically less capable (iii) emotionally more capable and (iv) more past oriented.
When they both come together, they become present-oriented, physically wholesome, logically wholesome and emotionally wholesome.
Freud had said that he could never understand a single woman in all his life. Not only Freud. No man ever did, when he used his logical brain to understand the woman. Man has to use his emotional brain to understand the woman. On the other hand, woman has to use all her logicality to understand the man.
How does it work in practice?
What does the woman need most – which the man must not forget to give? What does the man need most – which the woman must not forget to give?
If these are understood in their proper perspective – the marital relation will run on an even keel. Else, there will always be “distance” and “problems” between both of them. Let us examine each need of man and woman.
LOVE
In marital relationship – the biggest need of both man and woman is the satisfaction of their emotional needs. Both need to be loved. Love is a factor, which must always exist in them and between them.
But, woman needs more physical, verbal and emotional expression of love from the man.
What does the man need? Just the compliment of the woman’s need! Man needs to express his love for the woman in all these forms. It is as simple as that. When man fails to express love – the need for love of both remain unsatisfied.
Ø All men and women need LOVE.
Ø I need. Therefore who should give it to me? My partner should.
Ø You need. Therefore who should give it to you? Your partner should.
Ø But, my partner and your partner also need LOVE. Therefore who should give it to them? I for my partner and you for your partner.
Unfortunately – today, we are living in a highly competitive, materialistic and selfish world.
LOVE has been the biggest casualty in this materialistic world.
Love is a mutual responsibility of the man and the woman. The age-old saying - sow the seed, and you will get a tree of fruits and flowers – is
more true in respect of love than in respect of any other seed.
But, with a small difference.
I can sow the seed of love in you – but you must nourish it with water and manure. You can sow the seed of love in me – but I must nourish it with water and manure.
Why? My Seed of love is with me. But, the soil for it is in your heart. Your seed of love is with you. But the soil for it is in my heart. It is not always available to each other – unless we make it available.
In the bygone eras, certain things happened automatically. LOVE signaled sacrifice. LOVE signaled doing all that one can for the other. If X loves Y, it signifies that X is willing to do a lot of things for Y. If Y also loves X, it means that Y also is willing to do a lot of things for X.
LOVE created that atmosphere of I for the OTHER.
But, today – it has acquired an opposite meaning.
Love today means, I want the other to make me happy and do a whole lot of things for me. I am a beggar for his or her LOVE but there is no spirit of LOVE within me. There is no spirit of I for the OTHER in me. The same thing holds true for the other person too. He or she wants LOVE – but there is no spirit of LOVE in them. There is no spirit of I for the OTHER in them.
Simply said- 2 beggars for LOVE are seeking LOVE from each other. They don’t have and they want.
But, what can a beggar give the other? Just disappointment. This is the crux of today’s “love, marriage and divorce” stories repeating daily.
I can give you my life for the sake of love, says some one. But, he or she would be unwilling to make a coffee or a meal for the other. No sacrifices whatsoever can occur between them. Beggars have nothing to sacrifice.
There is another factor which turns them into Beggars. It is called EGO. Some one gave the expansion for EGO as –“Edging God Out”.
But what is God? God is Love and Love is God. If you edge out Love from your heart, Ego rules your heart.
We are not going to dissect history and see what has gone wrong where. It is not necessary.
Instead of being Beggars for LOVE, become emperors for love; One who possesses lots of this treasure;
Give your love to your marital partner, as much as you can. Give all that they need. Seize each moment of opportunity to express your love in the way that this moment demands.
You must do it at the age of 25; at the age of 50; at the age of 80; and at the age of 100 too. How wonderfully and agreeably you express is – depending on both of you. But, express you must.
Love expressed – multiplies. The seed grows into a tree. The tree gives flowers; and fruits.
Love not expressed, remains a seed; it waits for expression, (for its water and manure) for a long time; but then loses strength and dies.
The beggar for love doesn’t express; he or she wants but does not give; He/she doesn’t water or manure his/her seed of love with expression.
Their love dies eventually. It ends in divorce.
But, if one becomes an emperor for love and gives the seed all that they can, the tree of love grows so well in the other. The other cannot but respond to it.
But, how do I express my Love in different ways? What is this moment of opportunity? This, we will see in the next post.
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