THREE CHALLENGES
TO MEET-
For Successful,
LIFE LONG,
Marital Relationship
POST.1 SUMMARY :
Marital relationship is the most important of all relationships – for several strong reasons :
This relationship, has the scope to run for the “Longest period” and, for the “most precious period” of one’s life. It is the most intimate relationship of one’s life. It has the scope to give each Partner, the maximum joy of one’s life. It is the basis,or, the very source, for most other relationships. It is sanctioned by all religions and cultures, through socially approved marital relationships. It is a biological necessity – and Nature itself gives its best try to keep a couple together. Be thou, to the other, What thou want the other to be to you. If you are not that – there is no way that you can expect the other person to be that towards you. This is the Iron Law of Human Relationships.
Due to lack of understanding and adherence to this Law, Divorce rates are very high in many western countries and are increasing further. Divorce rates in Eastern countries like India are also increasing gradually for same reasons.
POST.2. SUMMARY :
Not understanding each other; unwilling to make permanent commitment to marriage; Perverted morals, vicious habits; and many such factors are identified as contributing to Divorce – by great thinkers and writers.
No one is made perfect. When looking at your partner’s weaknesses, remember this :You are probably no more perfect than your partner.
Majority of people do want to marry. But, People suffer their married life and post-divorce life, both. They go again for marriage – like a hobby.
Many, unsuccessful Marital Partners are turning into MARRIAGE COUNSELORS. Is there a hope, when such people counsel others – not knowing how to make their own marriages a success?
A successful marital relationship (or any other relationship) depends on successfully meeting 3 challenges listed below :
1. Can you like your self substantially, if not fully?
2. Can you like your partner, substantially, if not fully?
3. Can you make your partner like you, substantially, if not fully?
CHALLENGE.1 : Can you like yourself? Obviously, you think you do.
But, You, liking your self, must be for good, valid, sufficient and evident reasons – for which we like anybody. Not just because, you have to like your self.
So, List out at least five socially acceptable reasons on – why you like your self.
Also, think of how many people like you right now, for these specific qualities in you. Which persons on the face of earth have told you so far, that you are likeable for this, this, this quality in you and therefore, they all like you so much? Has anybody said that? If not, perhaps, these reasons really do not exist in your case.
You must therefore begin to build up strong reasons why people must feel compelled to like you. If you are not really serious enough to build such strong reasons for your partners to like you – your marriage is likely to proceed towards staleness, unhappiness, boredom – and probably, divorce too.
Let us examine this 1st C from another angle. Do your parents, your brothers, your sisters and others (friends) really love you a lot?
Please do search your own conscience and search other people’s hearts - why on earth, anybody should be genuinely liking you, and find good reasons for liking you.
Any time – you can give 5 good reasons for other good people to be liking you and cite about 5 good people actually liking you for these good reasons, believe me – your marital relationship has the potential to last a hundred years; a full life time.
But, to make it actually last your whole life time, you must also pass the other 2 challenges. With this, we will move on to Challenge.2
CHALLENGE.2
DO YOU LIKE YOUR PARTNER SUBSTANTIALLY?
(IF NOT FULLY)
Liking and loving your partner – these 2 terms are generally used inter-changeably.
Many people fall in love with their future marital partner even if they are unable to find any good, valid and sufficient reasons to like them. Love tends to blockade the intellect from doing such research. All follies of the future partner are screened off from you by your love. A pimple looks like a dimple, when you are in love. This very frequently happens in love marriages. The over 50% divorce rate in love marriages in countries like USA is PRECISELY FOR THIS REASON.
In marriages arranged by elders of both families, the reverse also can happen. Liking for good reasons may exist but no love may really generate. Liking is 50% by intellect and 50% by heart; The latter 50% must transform into love with marriage. This, may or may not, happen. It depends on the marital partners and also their elders to consciously nurture the love between the two partners from the day of the marriage. This is the KEY TO SUCCESS of the marriage in arranged marriages.
On the other hand, the Key to success in LOVE MARRIAGES is to nurture mutual liking for good, valid and sufficient reasons from the first day of their LOVE, since loving is almost 100% by the heart and intellect fails to play its role in it. Liking is an intelligent process but loving can be unintelligent and almost foolish.
When you say, I like you; you are honestly praising me. When you say, you love me; you are only blind to all of my follies. I am not saying, love is bad. It is unintelligent. If love is supported by liking, or vice versa, there is nothing better than that. If liking only exists between two marital partners, and not love, that marriage cannot be much successful. It tends to be some what dry. If love only exists but not liking, that marriage may become dry of love soon and hurtle towards divorce.
Now, look at the Challenge.2:
Can you like your Partner, at least substantially? You can be sure that, your marital partner, being human, is bound to have some black spots and some blind spots. No one is free of them really. That is why, 50% of liking is by Intellect and 50% is by heart. You must look at these black spots and blind spots, determine how much you can ignore them in the face of the bright spots in the individual, and if you feel, you can easily live with or ignore these black and blind spots – go ahead and love the partner. Go ahead and make him / her your marital partner.
But, if you honestly judge that it is difficult to live with these black and blind spots – there is a problem in making the other person your marital partner. You r life, and your partner’s life, will both be a continuous warfare. There is no need for it. The world is big enough and you will find some one with whom you can comfortably love, like and live happily.
There was one handsome young man who was postponing his marriage, waiting for the most perfect, young, beautiful woman. In every woman he met, he found many imperfections. He continued to wait…and wait. At last, after several years, he met one whom he liked., But, the beautiful, perfect lady refused to marry him saying, she wants a perfect young man, and, you – are not that!
That is the reason – we put the challenge.1 as – do you like yourself, substantially? Can you list out at least 5 good reasons for liking you. Do some people like you for those reasons already. If not – there is need for you to cultivate those reasons and become likeable for you and others.
When you do this exercise – you must also write 5 strong reasons why people tend to dislike you. Find your black spots and blind spots. You must at least be conscious of them – and make honest efforts to remove them. The 5 strong reasons to like you – may be more than neutralized by the 5 strong reasons why people do not like you. Therefore, you must become a wholesome, reasonably likeable person by this effort. If over 50% Divorces are taking place – it is evident that this minimum exercise is not happening in the lives of all these people. But, one can be sure that – all these people can have PERFECTLY HAPPY, unbroken, long married life, if only they do this simple exercise once in their life.
It is not difficult at all to be good, likeable, lovable persons, consciously.
It is actually very difficult to be otherwise – but, unconsciously, many people live OTHERWISE.
So, returning to Challenge.2, do you love your partner (or potential / future marital partner) substantially? I hope you have a fair idea now of what you need to do.
But, not yet please.
You need to understand a few basic things, before you can attempt challenge.2 vigorously.
Human Life has 2 aspects governing it. Love (Emotion) and Logic (Intellect).
In an average man’s life, Logic controls his life to about 60%. Emotion governs the balance 40%. In every aspect / word of a man, we can see that logic has greater influence and emotion has slightly lesser influence. We are talking of the average man. Some individual men can be seen at the extremes, being in perpetual anger, jealously or other emotion all their life; Some other men can be seem to be mechanically applying only their intellect to every aspect of life and therefore unable to enjoy life.
In the case of the average woman, the exact reverse happens. Emotion controls her life to about 60%. Intellect governs the balance 40%. In every thing that a woman does/speak, we can see that emotion has greater influence and logic has slightly lesser influence. We are talking of the average woman. Some individual women can be seen at the extremes, being in perpetual anger, jealously or other emotions positive or negative, all their life; Some other women can also be seem to be applying only their intellect more, to every aspect of life and therefore unable to enjoy life.
But, majority of men are more logic prone; while majority of women are more emotion-prone.
Human life needs 100 percent logic to steer clear of problems and steer in right, safe path. This is the first requirement of life.
Human life’s primary goal however, is to lead a happy life. Mere, mechanical living is not human life. This is the first goal of life.
The first requirement of life is supplied primarily by man and the first goal of life is supplied primarily by the woman.
Human life needs 100 percent logic – of which man can supply 60% and woman can supply 40%. Human life also needs 100% happiness – of which man can only supply 40% and woman supply60%.
If you need 100 percent logic and 100 percent happiness in your life – you must co-exist with your partner in this rational, nature’s way.
Can we? Why can’t we –at times?
These are the vital questions that we need to answers, to make our homes into real heavens on earth – instead of turning them into virtual hells!!
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