BASIC RULES FOR HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS = ENSURING MARITAL HAPPINESS & HARMONY = DIVERSE RATES OF DIVORCE = WHY? = BEING HAPPY = HOW?

THE MOST ESSENTIAL RULES

For All

RELATIONSHIPS

POST.1 -INTRO + 

MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS

99.9 percent of people can be happy only if their immediate, important relationships are harmonious and well maintained.

Ideally, we must possess the capability to be happy by our selves, in all circumstances, whatever be the strain in our relationships with others, or, even if, we have no important relationships at all.

But, if our immediate, important relationships are harmonious – the chances of our being happy are that much better.

If this happens to the majority of the population in a country – that country will be peaceful, lively – and happy. This is a Fact which most of us can accept easily, without much reservation.

But, reality is that - this is not happening to a lot of people. Many people are visibly unhappy in their relationships. The number of people unhappy in their relationships is increasing by the day. Most relationships are under great strain.

Surely, everybody wants to be happy and everybody expects others to maintain loving and harmonious relationships with him / her.

Then, why are the failures in relationships increasing?

Our Education is increasingly becoming devoid of all content that can train us for this important aspect of our life. We are adopting value systems which are inherently and mutually conflicting in nature. There is also no one and no organization now, who is entrusted with this sensitive and important task of training us in forming and maintaining harmonious relationships.

But…, we all want harmonious relationships. We, as individuals and as  society, cannot  thrive well and cannot lead happy lives without such harmonious relationships. Of what great use can economic prosperity be, if our inner world is a vacuum and devoid of happiness?

The Rules for harmonious relationships are basically very simple and well known.

Let us look at a few of them :

      This one relationship, between the Husband and Wife, has the scope to run for the Longest period and, for the most precious period of one’s life.

      It is the most intimate relationship of one’s life.

      It has the scope to give each of the Partners, the maximum joy of one’s life – if both are determined to make the marital life a success.

      It is the basis, the very source, for most other relationships in life.

      It is sanctioned by all religions and cultures. Religion tries to bring men and women together through marital relationships.

      It is a biological necessity – and Nature itself gives its best try to keep a couple together.

What you want the other person to be towards you – you must be that, to him / her. This is the first requirement. This is the foremost requirement.

If you are not that – there is no way that you can expect the other person to be that towards you.

Most of the strain in human relationships today is precisely due to the non-adherence to this Iron Law  of Human Relationships, by one or the other of the parties to the relationship, or, by both.

We want all these, but, we are not any of these, either knowingly or unknowingly.

Let us take, for example, the most important relationship of Life – that between a Husband and Wife.

I am not saying – other relationships are unimportant. They are. But -

      This one relationship, between the Husband and Wife, has the scope to run for the Longest period and, for the most precious period of one’s life.

      It is the most intimate relationship of one’s life.

      It has the scope to give each of the Partners, the maximum joy of one’s life – if both are determined to make the marital life a success.

      It is the basis, the very source, for most other relationships in life.

      It is sanctioned by all religions and cultures. Religion tries to bring men and women together through marital relationships.

      It is a biological necessity – and Nature itself gives its best try to keep a couple together.

Therefore, this is the most important of all relationships and there is a great necessity for both partners to recognize this fact and give their all – for harmonious maintenance of this relationship.

Wonderful!  Do we all recognize this fact reasonably well? If either partner or both do not recognize this fact – the chances are that the marital relationship is bound to end in a failure.

Do the vast majority of married couples give their best effort – for maintaining this relationship well? No. Let there be no doubt – that most people  are not giving their Best effort to keeping their marital relationship harmonious.

We give our all –

for maintaining…, for example, the customer relationship of our organization very well, because, it has been dinned into our ears that customers are very important. We talk most courteously to our customers. We don’t get angry, even with an angry customer. We sink our egos totally and accept even the most unjustified comments of the customers. This of course is how we should be.

We try to provide the customer the most receptive and likeable atmosphere in our premises. We don’t maintain transactional relationship with customers but strive to maintain relational transactions with them. We want them to be with us for their life. We make a lot of efforts to persuade even a dissatisfied customer to stay with us.

But, our spouse is our most important, most valuable, life-long customer. So, we must give our all – to maintain this one relationship. We fail to do this.

We look at our father and mother – and do whatever they ever did to each other. If they quarreled, we quarrel; if they were passive to each other, we will be passive; if they loved each other, we emulate that. If they divorced each other, we also do that. If they never married, we also follow suit.

This happens. But, not always.

There is also the influence of peer examples. If our friends are maintaining good marital relationships, we may do the same. If our friends have strained relationships, we may also tend to have strained relationships.

Peer Examples may also come from elder brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts in the family etc.

Some whole countries tend to have better, long lasting marital relationships than some other countries – which are due to some kinds of peer pressure. They may also change by peer pressure of the other friendly countries.

What makes marriages tick in some countries, in some families and for some couples?

But, we love statistics a lot today. Therefore, let us look at the following statistics :

DIVORCE RATES =   USA

Readers  may find below statistics of age at marriage for those who divorce in America - according to DivorceRate.org, marriage101.org and many other web sites on the subject.  There is general agreement on these statistics among most of the web sites on this subject.

Age                     =   Women   =  Men

Under 20 years old  =  27.6%    =  11.7%

20 to 24 years old   =  36.6%    = 38.8%

25 to 29 years old   =  16.4%    = 22.3%

30 to 34 years old   =  8.5%      =  11.6%

35 to 39 years old   =  5.1%      =  6.5%

According to enrichment journal on the divorce rates in America, the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%; the divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%; the divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%.

The divorce rate in America is more than 50%, which means one in two couples will break up.

DIVORCE RATES =   INDIA & OTHERS

Now, let us take a look at divorce rates in India. I am quoting from indidivorce.com. Most other web sites contain similar statistics and reasoning :

One can guess that India enjoys a low divorce rate. But it is more surprising to know that the divorce rate in India ranks lowest among all the countries of the world. Statistics shows that only 1 out of 100 Indian marriages end up to a divorce which is quite low in comparison to America’s 50% of marriages turning into breakups. The rate of divorce in India was even low in the previous decade, where only 7.40 marriages out of 1,000 marriages were annulled. The divorce rate in Indian villages is even lower in caparison to urban India.

The following figures will help you to get an idea about the divorce rate in India with respect to global divorce rate. 

•       Sweden – 54.9%

•       United States – 54.8%

•       Russia – 43.3%

•       United Kingdom – 42.6

•       Germany – 39.4%

•       Israel – 14.8%

•       Singapore – 17.2%

•       Japan – 1.9%

•       Srilanka – 1.5%

•       India – 1.1%

A survey states that over the past four years the divorce rate in Delhi, the capital city of India has almost doubled and is projected to be 12000 by the year 2008. In 2006, Bangalore, the IT hub of India it was recorded that 1,246 cases of divorce were filed in the court that pertain to the IT sector exclusively. It has been estimated Mumbai has shot up to 4,138 in 2007 while cities that are acknowledged for their cultural richness and social values like Kolkata and Chennai, are no less behind. Agro based states like Punjab and Haryana are now seeing an increase of 150% of divorce rate since the last decade. Kerala, known to be the most literate state has experienced an increase of divorce rate by 350% in the last 10 years.

REASONS FOR INCREASE IN DIVORCES

According to http://indianblogger.com/reasons-for-increased-divorce-cases/ and many other web sites on the subject, , there are several reasons for the divorce-hike in India, like,

•       Financial Freedom (for women)

•       Increased acceptance by family ( of the Divorced Woman)

•       Life in metro cities (No one cares what you are doing)

•       Deterioration of moral values

•       Stressful modern life

•       Transition of gender roles and professional rivalry

And probably many others, some of which we don’t talk of usually.

Now, let us look at the Basic rule of Harmonious relationships once again :

    If you want a LOVING & FAITHFUL HUSBAND or WIFE – 

You must first be a Loving and Faithful Wife  or Husband. 

Are you one? If not, why not?

While I am not disagreeing with the reasons given by various web-sites which are listed earlier, I wish to delve deeper than that. 

After all, I have conducted hundreds of workshops on LIFE SKILLS, and I did understand a few critical things about these all-important human relationships. 

These are UNIVERSALLY APPLICABLE – foe people in USA, for people in India and for people of the countries in between.

So, Readers are requested to follow them through in the next Post in this Blog.

 *   *   *   E   N   D   *   *   *

HOW DO TOUGH PEOPLE FACE TOUGH TIMES = GREAT IDEAS / QUOTES = WISH JAPAN ALL SUCCESS IN FACING ITS TOUGH TIMES

HOW DO

TOUGH PEOPLE

FACE

TOUGH TIMES

SOME GREAT QUOTES

Here are some Great Quotes on how Tough People Face Tough Times.  Japan is doing all this right Now. We wish all success for Japan in its Efforts to face its tough times.

Ø Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. - Thomas Edison

Ø Arise awake and stop not till the goal is reached. - Swami Vivekananda

Ø I walk slowly, but I never walk backward. - Abraham Lincoln

Ø When the going gets tough, the tough get going. - Joseph Kennedy

Ø It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. - Edmund Hillary

Ø To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. - Bertrand Russell

Ø Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ø Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ø What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ø The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work. - Harry Golden

Ø The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.-Ernest Hemingway

Ø Never, never, never, never ever give up! - Winston Churchill

 *   *   *    E   N   D   *   *   *

TOUGH TIMES NEVER LAST, BUT TOUGH PEOPLE DO! = A REVIEW OF ROBERT H. SCHULLER'S BEST SELLER BOOK = WHAT OTHER NATIONS MAY DO FOR JAPAN IN TOUGH TIMES

TOUGH TIMES NEVER LAST,

BUT TOUGH PEOPLE DO!

A REVIEW OF

 ROBERT H.SCHULLER’S 

BEST SELLER BOOK

As we witness the devastation that has struck Japan through the multiple catastrophes of - tsunami, earth quake and nuclear explosions – all of us start empathizing with the Japanese. But we also remember that Japanese, as a Nation, are one of the most resilient people, who can come out of this devastation quickly and strongly.

Nature is proving again and again that it is more powerful than man.  Nature, by definition, includes, not only earth, sky and the seas, but also, people / beings other than the SELF.

There are millions of such powers that are active all over the Universe, all the time. What is their NET EFFECT on each of us individually and collectively,  is difficult to predict, much less, arrest.

A Bigger moon is coming on the sky TONIGHT. What it will do, either today, or in due course, is not known to us. Man doesn’t have all answers to all riddles – and will never have.

The Polar ice is melting. We know it is. But, what it is doing to the weather, we don’t know accurately.

The weather is changing now. In 2010, we had the hottest summer and coldest winter at many places. How will 2011 be? Expect the Best and be prepared for the Worst.

Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do!

Robert H.Schuller said that in 1988.

It is a Great Book to read. Especially in Tough times.

Schuller says – “When you’ve exhausted all possibilities, remember this: You haven’t!”

This is - Especially valid for tough times.

When there is a problem – everybody is fixing the blame – nobody is fixing the problem. This is the problem, in most of the problems. But, it definitely is not so – in Japan. In Japan, everybody is busy fixing the problem, and almost nobody is fixing the blame for any failures. It would have been different in many other countries.

Schuller had said – Nobody is a total failure if he dares to do something worthwhile.

Japan won’t fail, in containing the problem on its hands. So, this too – will pass.

Japan will fix the problem. Japan will come out of the problem in flying colours. Japan will regain its earlier Glory – or, probably rise to greater glory this time. It is working overtime – to fix the problem. Japan always dares to do some thing worthwhile.

No doubt, the lives lost cannot be brought back. But, it is always so, in a war or a holocaust.

We pay our homage to the departed souls. And, we wish Japan all success in quickly coming out of its present problems.

Japan is a Unique Nation. It has been a friend of almost all Nations. All Nations remember it as a Friend.

Now, this Friend of all Nations is in problems. And, possibly in some need! What can other nations do for Japan?

Does Japan need any of the following urgently?

(i)                 Protected, uncontaminated, nutritious Food supplies.

(ii)               Radiation protective clothing – as much as possible, so that more people can be pressed into this important activity of controlling radiation safely - without damage to Japan’s work force.

(iii)             Clean water – not only for drinking but, possibly, for cooling the power plants.

(iv)              Urgently needed technologies, equipment and ideas for controlling the radiation hazards.

Yoshi Domoto, executive director of the Japan-America Society of Georgia, has said “The people in Japan historically have been resilient. They are proud; unless they need it, they hesitate to ask for help from the outside.”  

Quite Naturally. Japan is a great Nation – and a Proud Nation. Others understand it. Therefore, I have not mentioned money as a need. Japanese may not need money. But, today’s immediate needs may be different. Some one with some expertise needs to analyze and assess their needs and mobilize the help. There is no need for others to wait till Japan asks. Others should go out and offer Japan what Japan needs urgently.

This said – I wish to briefly review Schuller’s book “Tough Times Never Lost, But Tough People Do.” For Individuals or Nations, the ideas Schuller has presented in his Best seller are worth while – especially in tough times. This Book is good for all of us – who face tough times, some time or other. Incidentally, it may also be good for any one trying to face the tough times,  in Japan.

Now – the Brief Review of the principles stated by Schuller follows:  

Any references to Japan’s current tough times is just an example.

Tough people adopt a path – which Schuller calls as “The Possibility Thinking Path”. This path has great Potential to lead people to solutions to the toughest problems they may have.

“It’s impossible to fail totally if you dare to try”, says Schuller. But try, one must.

The Principles of Possibility thinking have worked for many people earlier; they are working for many now. They will work for any one who dares to try in future.

But, it works only for those – who stay in control, control the problem, manage it, and find solutions.

Never let the problem become an Excuse for failure in life. Remember the following :

1.   

1.      Every living human being has problems.

2.      Every problem has a limited life span.

3.      Every problem holds positive possibilities.

4.      Every problem will change you

5.      YOU can CHOOSE what your problem will do to you

             6.  There is a negative and a positive reaction to every problem

The vast majority of problems can be solved if you believe so. A few may not. When you can’t solve the problem, manage it in the best possible way!

Here are Schuller’s 12 principles to manage problems creatively and constructively :

1.      Don’t underestimate (the problem)

2.      Don’t exaggerate  - the depth, length and breadth of the problem. The one battle, most people lose is the battle over the fear of failure. Try; Start; and be assured, you have won the first round.

3.      Don’t wait. Many problems have the built-in capability to grow more serious with the passing of time. To wait is to waste time and opportunity.

4.      Don’t aggravate. Self pity, jealousy, cynicism, hatred, anger, or plain lack of positive faith in the future aggravates the problem several fold.

5.      Illuminate your mind; Ask and answer all necessary questions. Identify the problem clearly. Predict consequences and possibilities, Decide on action / solutions and Execute them! It’s called the IPDE method.

6.      Motivate yourself! It takes guts to leave the ruts. Find all possible opportunities; list them according to their Potential.

7.      Bait! How do you catch a mouse (or, a lion)?  It’s by putting the appropriate Bait before it.  How do you attract all the radiation in the air back to a safe place? I don’t know how. But, the world must find the way. Today, the Japanese are facing it – due to a cause not in their control. But, tomorrow – can any one else face the same problem? This is the time – to fix the problem for the world, for ever.

8.      Date! You have a Chance to find the solution. Go, Find it. Woo it.

9.      Sublimate. Try finding ALL POSSIBILITIES. Every time, one door closes, another will open. Every adversity holds within it the seeds of an undeveloped possibility. Turn the stumbling block into a stepping stone.

10.  Now, Dedicate! Most people fail, not because they lack intelligence, ability, opportunity, or talent, but because they haven’t given their problem all they’ve got! Unexpected sources of help come from unpredictable quarters to the person who remains positive and enthusiastic and cheerful.

11.  Communicate. Seek Help. You need it. Don’t excommunicate yourself from the help that is available.

12.  Insulate – yourself from Negative forces and negative personalities. Remember, you can control your moods – even if you can’t control the problem right now. Feel Great. That helps a lot. Nothing is a Terminal problem. The problem is terminal and ends if you keep trying.

All this means that you must Take charge and Take control,  and never surrender leadership of your life! To whom / what, should you not surrender your Life’s leadership?

1.      To outside (limiting) forces – such as (a) Property, buildings, locations (b) lack of money (c) inflation, recession etc on which you have no control etc. You have perfect control on your own  ideas and decision, Today’s decisions are tomorrow’s realities

2.      To faces  - like your audience reactions, criticisms etc

3.      To Farces – such as being told that your sex, religion, caste, region etc are inferior. It is simply Farce and not Fact.

4.      To Fences – limiting concepts such as I’ve no education, no skills, no right organization etc. get the. Build them.

5.      To Frustrations – reaching a seeming point of no return. There are always ways.Find them.Don't give in.

6.      To Negative Fantasies – like, I may be rejected…

7.      To Fears – of failure. Get rid of it NOW.

8.      To Fatigue  - because, in Fatigue, we can make Bad decisions.

9.      To (Finding of)Faults – by you or by others, in your Ideas.

10.  To Facts (statistics, interest rates, facts etc) – attitude is more important than facts.

11.  To Frenzies –Frantic situations need coolness, not doing just some thing!

12.  To Fate (fortune, stars etc)

13.  To (Negative) Forecasts – Don’t stop effort because of them

14.  To your Foes (and their criticism)

15.  To your Friends ( Differences with friends are OK, Understand and agree on them mutually)

16.  To Fracturing experiences of Life –It was - but it won’t be so always

17.  To flattening-out experiences of life; never Give up.

18.  Do surrender - To Faith ( in your self and the Almighty)

Never throw away an idea because it is impossible. Give it a Chance. Schuller gives ten commandments for possibility thinking. Never reject a possibility  -

1.      Because you see something wrong with it – as every good idea has some thing wrong as well. Better to do some thing imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.

2.      Because, you won’t get the Credit – Because your ego will not be satisfied.

3.      Because it’s impossible. Many impossibilities of yesterday are today’s possibilities!

4.      Because your mind is already made up – specially if it is made up on a bad / wrong one

5.      Because it’s illegal – if you feel it’s good, try to make it legal.

6.      Because you don’t have the money, man power, muscle, or months to achieve it.

7.      Because it will create conflict

8.      Because it’s not your way of doing things

9.      Because it might fail

10.  Because it’s sure to SUCCEED! Yes. Some People are afraid, that their Ideas also may SUCCEED!

How many ideas, and how many possibilities will you list – before you select one? Schuller says – count to Ten; and win! Make a list of ten ideas or possibilities first – and then select one.  It needs Patience and sound thinking. Your Decision making becomes easy, if there are no contradictions in your value system.

You must then Begin. You won’t win if you don’t begin! Beginning is half Done!

Every Beginner is a winner!

Faith can move mountains. Prayer helps a lot in pulling together everything towards your success.

The me I see .  .  .  is the me I’ll be!   I will be a winner, if I see my self as a winner.

Therefore, see YOUR SELF as a winner. You will be a winner.

I hope, readers now have a good idea of what Schuller has to say. Robert H.Schuller has said many things to motivate us in this remarkable book. One needs this sort of motivation especially for TOUGH TIMES. One can Grab the book and give it a good reading, any time, and especially, when there are tough times.

 *   *   *    E   N   D   *   *   *